November 17, 2008 – 6:50 pm
When I trace the anatomy, the history of my relationship
…I think of that car park where we first kissed and he floored the gas by reflex and accident
…Of the first night we spent together and the wind that shook the trees and their branches that rattled against the windows of our house and his hands [...]
Nowadays at night, it’s freezing outside; I keep a sliver of window open for the air, but the wind blasts through the single glazing. We sleep like it’s winter, in pyjamas, underneath a blanket and a duvet and two more blankets at the ready if it gets extra cold. We keep the blinds rolled down [...]
December 3, 2004 – 12:39 pm
My mind has many mansions. Fields and secret pathways through the woods. I have a terrific capacity to preserve pieces of the past while misplacing my house keys. And of all the things it keeps, it holds colours longes of all. Like the particular corn-gold of sunburnt August grass and the later afternoon.
We are little, [...]
There was a storm today. A summer storm with thunder and lightning, my favourite kind.
I have many pleasant recollections of rain, and summer storms. Wet stone, wet dust, the fragrance of the rain-washed flowers.
The smell for me of spring and summer and love, of falling in love. And memory as though in storms, and their [...]
January 30, 2004 – 3:17 pm
Belgrade, not long ago. Candles and wood and a tall opaque man who is nonetheless my friend. My cards on the table between us.
An energy in the room, rich and fragrant and mildly intoxicating. Like mulled wine, or sandalwood. Heaviness, but not unpleasant, like the heaviness of sunwarm sleep or the wood he crafts.
Beyond the [...]
November 25, 2003 – 11:36 pm
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Is this help or healing?
A lie or real?
I can’t tell.
Perhpas everything I thought I felt, thought I knew was a lie. A figment of my fertile imagination.
Because I am emptiness, and hollowness. Silence inside.
All quiet on the Western Front.
And I think, I always think, I should feel more. I should feel differently. I should feel [...]
October 5, 2003 – 5:45 pm
I had decided not to call because I was afraid that if I did the breaks in my heart would fly from my throat and I was not, am not ready for this kind of intimacy. My body is generous with itself my mind is not.
ANd today, crossing the road, not watching not seeing for [...]
September 25, 2003 – 7:00 pm
there is a dream i have in which i am trapped in a lake beneath the ice.
i am not dead in my dream, but i am not alive either.
i am paralysed and frozen.
i cannot move.
the lake holds me up and pulls me down.
and always the ice is above me, i can see but not clearly.
i [...]
