February 24, 2009 – 3:20 pm
I wish I had known a year ago how happy I would end up being, or how much I would enjoy this boy.
When he was born I thought he looked like a spaceman, someone who has come on a long journey and from far away. He had deep-space eyes. Undersea eyes. Dark grey and liquid [...]
February 6, 2009 – 11:19 am
Snow reminds me of home. No matter how long I have lived here, no matter how much I love England, I still don’t feel right here. Things taste and smell wrong. But snow blurs things; the lines between worlds. It smudges time like a thumbrint on charcoal.
And then I am in two places at once. [...]
I am lunching on a slab of chocolate. A slab! Morevor one containing strawberries and cookies and meringue. I’m not sure that can be topped.
For most of my life (thanks to starting and finishing school earlier than my peers) I have been the youngest, feeling one step behind everyone, out of sync as though I [...]
February 11, 2008 – 1:41 pm
Motherhood brings out the best and the worst in me. Because no matter how tired I am, how fed up, I know that there is no other option except to continue to care for this child and give it the most of me I can. It is after all helpless. And unable to communicate. And [...]
January 21, 2008 – 2:34 pm
Since having Matei, there are moments of every kind of emotion imaginable and there have been a few nights when I just wanted to throw my child at his father’s head and shriek something helpful like “You deal with him!” and storm off somewhere to a less complicated life. There are other moments when I [...]
January 17, 2008 – 3:13 pm
Suicide runs through my father’s family. Whether it’s the slow doing in of the self through alchohol or overwork, or the more explosive methods favoured by my Georgian cousins, at least once in every generation it shows itself.
Wakes up in someone. The sirensong in the blood. The yearning for oblivion. The long sleep.
On particularly bad [...]
September 18, 2005 – 10:55 am
There are many defining moments in relationships, and my most recent one came in a dream.
It was a vivid type of nightmare in which some villain was trying to subject me to fates worse than death [rape, torture, Celine Dion concert] and a very dashing man arrived to the rescue. He was tall, charming and [...]
