Nowadays, I don’t have the same terrible longings and I’m grateful for that. But by moments, I still miss him terribly. I miss the physical dimension of his existence so badly that it hurts.
And in those moments, I think I would give away years of my own life, just to have him back for ten minutes. Just to be able to hold him again, and be held. To feel my body crushed in my father’s powerful arms, to be hugged tightly, tightly, to hug him. To see the colour of his eyes again – the real colour not just my photograph memory of it- to hear the sound of my father’s laugh, and voice, and song. To smell the aftershave that he wore.
To be able to say goodbye properly.
26 Comments
What a beautiful tribute.
Is that you in the picture? How cute! And how tenderly he’s holding you.
It’s good to be able to write about something like this, face it. It’s something unchangeable, and so much bigger than my minor ups & downs, say. There’s so much that is, near and far. It’s good to put things in perspective. You’ll get a hug in person when I see you soon…
You rule, you totally rule x x x
ah, you write so beautifully i can feel your sadness from here.
i have your tori ticket…..
i love that photo of him
i always think i should give my dad a hug after i read a post from you about yours
…and then i talk to himhurray!
thank you
Which june is it and how much do I owe you?
it is friday june 3rd….i think tickets were a rather ouch-making £30..but i’ll check for sure when i get home. do you want me to post yours to you?
that’s indeed me in the picture, I think the first picture of me in existence.
It’s something unchangeable, and so much bigger than my minor ups & downs, say.
Ups and Downs are relative, and please do not devalue your own. Although in your case nobody died physically, the idea and potential of them did.
But yes, sometimes a different perspective is good and I’m looking forward to the hug.
p.s. tori’s concert is on the 3rd of June so I can see you on the 18th:)
thank you for reading and commenting, it means a lot.
you rule too, and I’ll try and make it to the tube walk on sat
i’ll give you a ring later today if it’s ok
sure
Re: i love that photo of him
…and then i talk to him
hahahhahahha
but your parents are disenchanting.
*hugs you*
It’s nice that you understand how you feel about your Dad. My Dad is still alive but I don’t know how I feel about him really.
This touches me too, for obvious reasons, all about hoping the best for the relationship between The Boy and Item. And myself, of course. It’s the simple relationships that are the most important, and the hardest, eh?
Thanks for the post and the great picture.
I love that picture. You look so much like him.
thank you
hello you
I love you.
How are you doing?
It’s the simple relationships that are the most important, and the hardest, eh?
Yes, and family relationships are so complicated. I think that is why I have so many conflicting feelings around parenthood and know how badly it can go wrong. But at the same time I also think children are fairly sturdy and parental willingness to listen and accept that they are fallible helps a lot.
Thanks for the post and the great picture.
Thank you for reading and responding
It’s nice that you understand how you feel about your Dad.
It’s one of the perks of my overlysensitive and obsessively analytic nature.
I think it is easier to decide feelings about people post-humously when they don’t talk back.
Re: thank you
I love you too. I am doing okay.
How very inspiring.
I try to be that kind of dad.
It is good that it makes sense to you. My mother makes sense, but my father doesn’t, really.
Much love x
I understand, love. I’d give everything I have for just one more minute- and the time to say goodbye.
Re: How very inspiring.
heh. hopefully not the erratic heavy drinking kind…
i love you too!
*pouncesqueezehug*
*echoes gentle thoughts and sympathies back at you*